Sober Conversation

Does my recovery piss you off?

2011-07-31T19:25:00.004-04:00

I recently received a polite yet angry email from a gentleman named Dean (his last name was included in his email address but for reasons of anonymity I will not reveal it) who was very upset that I am "blatantly disrespecting the traditions of the program". He was referring to tradition 11 concerning personal anonymity and not mentioning that I am or have been a member of a 12 step group. He wouldn't elaborate on how or where my offense had taken place. I can only assume that he read my book, read my blog or my Sober Conversation Facebook page. He was upset enough to email me about it and wanted to know why I think I'm special and don't have to follow the rules.

This got me thinking about a few things. The first of which is that if no one ever mentioned that they were in recovery, I would not have had the pleasure of reading multiple books about people's experiences in recovery. Nor would I be able to gain insight and support from the hundreds, perhaps thousands of recovery blogs available to me not to mention articles in magazines and Tom Arnold speaking about recovery in Hollywood on Larry King Live. Would it be preferable to only speak of recovery in clandestine meetings that you can't speak of once you leave the building? It's certainly no secret that this nation has a huge problem with addiction, should one of the possible solutions be kept a secret?

Another point Dean's email brought up is the intolerance of some regarding how I maintain my recovery. I've been clean and sober for over 25 years now. I don't attend regular meetings (oops, there I go again mentioning the 12 step program) though I do occasionally speak at the rehab I graduated from. I don't speak about the program, the steps, traditions or how they should find recovery but I do tell them of my experiences and what keeps me sober. So if I don't go to meetings and I don't follow the traditions does it mean that my 25 years aren't valid years of sobriety and that I have no business speaking to anyone about recovery? Am I just a delusional "dry drunk" only moments from relapse because I have done it differently than Dean? If this is true then Dean and others like him will have a full time job monitoring other people's recovery. I certainly hope this doesn't distract them from theirs.

Aaron M. Duke

Recommitting is the Key to Long-Term Recovery from Alcoholism

2011-02-05T17:14:00.004-05:00

Is recovery your first priority despite all that life throws at you? Check out this article in Psychology Today:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-high-functioning-alcoholic/201102/recommitting-is-the-key-long-term-recovery-alcoholism

Is A.A. the only way?

2010-10-05T20:41:00.002-04:00

Is completing the 12 steps of the Alcoholics Anonymous program the only way to achieve and keep a life free of drugs and alcohol?

I’m going to speak for myself on this question. When I finally hit bottom and realized that I did indeed have a drug and alcohol problem, I was introduced to A.A. by a fellow resident of the half-way house I was living in. During my first meeting I saw and heard things that made me feel both comforted as well as terribly uncomfortable. Most of the people I met greeted me warmly and seemed genuinely concerned for me. Others seemed to be annoyed by the presence of someone so young in their meeting. I heard catch phrases like just for today, keep it simple and let go and let God. At that stage in my life, let go and let God scared the crap out of me. I had absolutely no relationship with a God or any intention to begin one. I did believe that I was capable of embracing one day at a time and that was about it.

What really mattered to me was changing the absolute hell my life had become. I didn’t want to feel the misery that was with me every waking minute. The drugs and the alcohol couldn’t mask the pain I felt any longer, I wanted it to stop. I was willing to do anything at all to make it all go away. What that meant for me, was to continue to attend the A.A. meetings.

My view is this; if I was truly willing to do anything to find peace and all these people were telling me this was the way, then I had to at least give it a try. Sure there were things and people within the program to find fault with but if there was even a small chance that it would work, I had to try. If I wasn’t willing to try, then it didn’t matter what 12 step programs, book or medicine I tried. It was never going to succeed.

So is it possible to get clean and sober (and stay that way) without A.A.? Lots of things are possible, space travel, spontaneous combustion…etc. There seems to be a better chance of success with A.A.

I’m still clean and sober 24 years later. If I can do it, you can too.

How did I get clean and sober?

2010-10-05T20:38:00.000-04:00

If you have read my blog before, you know that I’ve been clean and sober for quite a while now and I typically write about my challenges and successes in staying sober. While I do speak to adolescents at the treatment facility I graduated from, my focus has been on “I’m sober, now what?” for the last few years. My nearly 25 years of sobriety have allowed me to become an average guy with a family, mortgage, goals, a fledgling writing career, ambition and all of the challenges that come with trying to live the American dream. None of which would be possible if I were still drinking and doing drugs.

I got sober at the very young age of 16. I spent 3 days in a coma after an overdose, spent time in 2 psychiatric hospitals, a half-way house and 5 months in rehab. I am extremely fortunate to be alive and able to put together a full sentence.

The one question everyone has for me is “How did you get sober?”

I don’t think it’s possible to properly describe my journey in a few paragraphs but here are some of the most important reasons.

Bottom – I reached my bottom with a coma. For me there really was only prison and death left if I continued the life I was leading. I admitted that my drug and alcohol use was out of control. I absolutely had to change.

People – I was fortunate to have met many level headed, patient, and dedicated people in treatment facilities and Alcoholics Anonymous that gave both their time and energy. Without them I may not be writing this.

Belief – Call it whatever your comfortable with; God, the Universe, your Higher Power… I believed that there was a better life for me. I believed that had to be some sunshine in my future. I didn’t know what it was or where to find it, but I believed that I would find it if I stayed clean and sober just for today.

Hard Work – I did the things that I had to whether I wanted to or not. I stayed away from people and places I knew were trouble. I went to meetings every day. I asked myself hard the hard questions even when I didn’t like the answers. I drank water and soda.

The good news is that if I can do it, anyone can do it.

How are you doing today?

My Identity Keeps Me Clean and Sober.

2010-09-23T18:19:00.001-04:00

The last two years have been extremely challenging for me. I had to close my printing company to avoid getting further in debt, the economy has made it very difficult to find a rewarding job that pays anywhere close to what I'm used to making, my confidence has been shaken and I've begun to question many things I believe in. Perhaps it is a perfect storm of self doubt, bad economic times, getting laid off and the fact that I just turned 40!

What hasn't changed is my sobriety. If ever there was a time to rationalize smoking a joint or having a drink it would have been in the last year. Never once during that time did I ever considered drugs or alcohol as a form of relief or escape. Why is that? I took some time to really think about why I'm still clean and sober for over 24 years now.

During my struggle with drugs and alcohol, the thing that kept me using and drinking was my identity. A drunk and an addict was what I knew and who I was. I didn't believe that better things were ahead of me, I didn't have hopes and dreams, and I certainly didn't believe that I deserved a better life than I was living. I believed that I was a screw-up, I believed that any effort to better myself was a waste of time and that if I could just get wasted, none if it would matter. Those beliefs kept me looking for the next high to ease the pain instead of dealing with the source of the pain.

Ironically it is my beliefs that have kept me clean and sober for all of these years. I don't look to drugs and alcohol to solve my problems because that's no who I am now. Getting wasted isn't even on my radar screen because I'm not that person any more. My focus is on fixing the problem instead of running away from it. My thoughts and behaviors over the last 24 years have created a new healthy identity a strong as my old destructive identity. Years ago how I viewed myself kept me from getting sober, now how I view myself keeps me from being a drunk.

What is your identity?

Denial and Dissatisfaction

2009-11-18T19:41:00.001-05:00

For those of you who don’t know me, I have been clean and sober for nearly 23 years. I nearly killed myself before realizing that I had a problem with booze and drugs. My denial was strong and it was coupled with my ignorance. It never occurred to me that the life I was living was much different than the life of my friends and schoolmates. At some point it should have occurred to me that I had never received a single invitation to the psychiatric hospitals and rehabs. Psychiatrists, family members and emergency room doctors had placed me there without them asking me. My life was not in my control at all.

Amazingly, I wasn’t dissatisfied with the life I was living. Denial is one thing but I really wasn’t too concerned with the fact that I was in a locked psychiatric unit wearing nothing but a hospital gown and slippers with smiley faces on the toes. I had 3 great meals per day, absolutely no responsibility or any schedule to speak of. I was OK with this! Frightening, I know.

It seems to me that one of my biggest problems was a complete lack of vision, goals, dreams or desires. It’s hard to be dissatisfied with life when you expect nothing from it. I was in the words of Jimi Hendrix “Existing, Nothing but existing”. There was no Why for me to get my life in order. I was well aware of all the bad things that could happen to me. My family and teams of doctors had all told me of the horrors that awaited me if I continued down my path of drug and alcohol abuse. It is hard to change when you have no dissatisfaction with the way things are. What was missing was all of the wonderful things that would happen if I gained control of my life. These were things that I had never considered or dreamt about. As it turns out they included marrying an amazing woman, raising two happy little boys, owning a business for ten years and helping others to find happiness. I am happy and blessed.

What are your goals, dreams or desires?

Community Speaking Engagement

2009-09-03T11:12:00.003-04:00

Do you know someone that struggles with an addiction? Would you recognize the signs in your teenager? - Join me for a discussion about how answering 5 basic questions can help beat an addiction and lead to happiness.

Register Today!

Carver Public Library - September 17th from 6:30 - 7:30pm
108 Main Street
Carver, MA 02330
508-866-3415
soberduke@gmail.com

The 2 biggest factors.

2009-09-01T19:22:00.001-04:00

If you have read my book or know anything about me, you know that I got clean and sober at the very young age of 16. You can make the argument that I was too young to truly be addicted and have done any real damage, but destroying my family life, stays in four different hospitals and a 3-day coma are all the proof I needed.

So what was it that not only got me clean and sober but kept there for 22 years and counting?

Two things; comfort level and identity. I was pretty used to being “the screw up” in my family and at school. It was who I was. It was how I acted. I wasn’t thrilled with my place in life but it was easy and comfortable. Changing who I was would mean changing what I did and how I thought, which would be right out of my comfort zone. I guess the pain I knew was easier to tolerate than the pain I didn’t know.

When my dissatisfaction with my situation (yes it took a coma to make me dissatisfied) became greater than my resistance to change, I finally got clean and sober. What kept me sober was the change in my identity. I started to believe that I was person with potential as opposed to a screw up. I started building on small success that backed up my beliefs that I had potential. After receiving my one year medallion it really hit home that this is who I am now. I was a seventeen year old sober guy that had many friends and supporters in AA an NA, went on commitment meetings to speak with people in other groups and I was actually enjoying it. I wasn’t tempted to go back to my old life and habits because that wasn’t who I was anymore, it wasn’t what I did anymore, it just didn’t fit the new me. If you are interested in building igloos then bags of hot sand wouldn’t interest you. Just one man’s opinion.

22 years clean and sober. How?

2009-08-27T10:45:00.001-04:00

I got sober when I was 16 years old. I know it seems awfully young but it was precipitated by stays in 2 psychiatric hospitals, a suicide attempt/drug overdose, a 3-day coma, a halfway house and a 5 month long stay in a rehab. I did a lot of damage in a few short years. I believe the one of the biggest reasons I got sober and stayed sober is because I completely changed my identity and circumstances. I stopped hanging around with my old friends and found new ones in NA-AA. I also took a job as a maintenance man in a rehab my town. I went to a meeting everyday without fail. I joined a group that I liked and went on commitment meeting to speak at other groups. I tried to replace all my old habits with new positive ones. No it was not easy. Life still continues to be challenging at times but for the first time in my life I believe I am in a position to be able to help others. Living a productive and positive life is not as difficult as was because I did the hard work in the beginning and didn't quit when times got tough.

Living in recovery - what about the good news?

2009-08-21T15:46:00.002-04:00

We are all painfully aware of the multitude of bad things that can happen to us if we continue drinking and doing drugs. We have been reminded a thousand times of the destruction and loss that comes with refusing to stay sober. I knew I was ruining my life and the lives of people who love me, but that didn't stop me. When was the last time anyone thought about all the great things that can happen when you are sober? I hear all the war stories and tragedies at meetings but nobody ever follows up those stories with all the incredible things that have happened to them since they have gotten sober. Wouldn't it be nice to hear more success stories that came from people who nearly didn't make it? I'll speak for myself in saying that I absolutely had to do the 12 steps in order to put myself in a position to remain sober. Having goals and ambitions is an enormous part of my staying sober. Being sober and waiting around for time to pass is a killer for me. I thrive on being positive and working toward goals. I love helping people that want help. There is more than enough negativity out there. I would love to see more blogs that can encourage newcomers to get and stay sober. It seems to me it is easier to run towards something good than to run from something bad! - Just one sober guy's opinion. - Aaron M. Duke

Expectations

2009-08-17T09:48:00.001-04:00

Have you heard the old saying "Be careful what you wish for it may come true"? I'll be damned it isn't right on target. Expectations are an amazing tool. I'll preface this by saying that life is life. Sometimes bad stuff happens. Sometimes you have absolutely no control on people and events. With that being said, I have worked very hard over the past 9 months to change my attitude and default way of thinking. I have carried around with me the beliefs that I had when I was a sixteen year old that was drinking and getting high. Back then I didn't expect anything good to happen. I usually assured myself of negative situations with my bad decisions. Now I'm 39 years old. I have a wife, 2 kids, I own my own business and my decisions are much more responsible. I have noticed that over the past 9 months of expecting things to go well and being focused on how I will be happy and have the life I want, things actually have gone well! Someone told me a while back that we travel the path of our expectations. Where is your path leading you?

Book Review

2009-08-13T20:23:00.002-04:00

Sober Conversation by Aaron M. Duke – A Book Review
By Madison

I have just finished reading a book called “Sober Conversation” by Aaron M. Duke. Those of you who follow Recovery Princess know that I am an avid reader and that I strongly believe in reading as a source of help in recovery. I devoured this short but compelling book within a matter of hours. It was a fantastic read and extremely moving.

Throughout the book my eyes welled with tears numerous times as I empathized with the main character Brian’s plight and revisited some of my own teenage memories of addiction. The story charts Brian’s journey through the beginning of his addiction until his point of surrender and return to a sober state.

Brian is a teenage boy who mainly uses drugs as opposed to alcohol throughout his addiction. I found that although this story of addiction was more about drugs than alcohol, my focus was not really on that. The story is told in such a way that the reader can very clearly relate to the essence of addiction regardless of the substance used. You can relate to the intense need for escapism and a lack of regard for the future especially at such a young age.

The book is so moving in the sense that you can see how quickly addiction can ruin and confuse a young life. As well as anyone who has ever battled with addiction, parents of teenagers would do well to read this book as would those of you who started your addiction at a young age.

Brian was one of the lucky ones who managed to not become ‘institutionalized’ but not before he had already been subjected to many different psychiatric hospitals and recovery institutions. The story will resonate with those of you who have come from a difficult family upbringing as well as those of you who have been lucky enough to realize that life can get better after addiction.

For me, the golden moment in the story is near the end when Brian, through the help of his wisely spoken A.A sponsor begins to understand the magnitude of what living a full and meaningful life is really about. To help his with this, Brian’s sponsor gives him 5 main questions to assist him along his new way in life. This enticed me to grab a piece of paper and get writing myself.

The story is inspiring, sad, uplifting, moving and realistic. I highly recommend this quick read and I am better off for having read it.

http://recoveryprincess.com

Back to basics

2009-08-12T18:36:00.001-04:00

When I get into work every morning the first thing I do is to write in my journal. I write about what I'm grateful for, what I'm trying to achieve, and generally how I'm feeling. I also write "today I will...." and write what I'm going to do today to get me one step closer to my goals. I noticed that in trying to keep myself positive and focused daily I write things that sound an awful lot like the bumper stickers I refused to put on my car. I've been sober for quite a while now and have had a chance to hear a bunch of different views and philosophies on sobriety and success and you know, they all seem very similar. I guess in my long rambling manner I'm saying that all the things I have heard in meetings and all the sayings I've grown numb to, have great meaning to people when they need it. I had forgotten about "One day at a time". With the stresses of running my businesses and trying to be the best husband and father I can, it seems that "One day at a time has more meaning to me now than it did when I first got sober. Whatever you get meaning and support from, grab hold of it and wear it out. Life changes so much so fast that sometimes I find myself back at the beginning. Thanks for listening.

I'm clean and sober... now what?

2009-08-07T19:45:00.002-04:00

Have you been clean and sober for some time now, maybe a year or so? Are you wondering what’s next? In my case it was at about ten years of sobriety when I realized that there had to be more finally being happy than just not using. After ten years of sobriety I was still living in a crappy apartment, working at a job I didn’t want and living paycheck to paycheck.

While I was completely grateful for my sobriety and fortunate for the help I received, I wanted to continue grow and achieve. I knew life could be better but I didn’t know how. I sure enough knew what I didn’t want, the crappy apartment, the dead end job and being dead broke. If you asked me what I did want I couldn’t tell you anything of consequence. Sure I wanted lots of money and things but I couldn’t really come up with anything meaningful. Why hadn’t I ever thought this through?

The more I thought about it, the more I realized how little thinking I had been doing. After much pondering ‘What do I want?’ led to many other questions. In the end I realized there are 5 basic questions that I needed to answer before I could determine my new path in life. The first and foremost question being Who Am I?

Have you ever really though about that? What a tough question! Do you define yourself by what you do or how you behave? Or is it who you think others believe you are? Give it some thought. I’d love to know what you think. Be sure to add your comment.

You can read about all 5 questions and how I answered them by visiting the website for my new book “Sober Conversation”

Thank you!

2009-08-05T11:03:00.003-04:00

More people are buying my book online than I expected. Thank you very much! Keep it coming - Who do you know that is struggling with an addiction and needs some help in recovery? Buy them the book. www.SoberConversation.com

Aaron M. Duke

Remembering.

2009-08-03T09:09:00.001-04:00

Here is a link to an organization named Volunteers of America. It contains a brief article about my stay at Project Rebound 22 years ago. This is where I first understood that I need to do more than just stop using drugs and alcohol. I was in this program for nearly six months and have been clean and sober since. I try to speak with the young men that are there now as often as possible and that is what inspired me to write "Sober Conversation" Aaron M. Duke

Sample from the book "Sober Conversation"

2009-06-20T14:56:00.001-04:00

He could already feel the disappointment his parents would have in him, he tried to think of a way out. How could he put this off? It was far too late to do anything about it now. He couldn’t see any way out of this mess. He also had no plan to change anything. It all seemed so futile. He started to panic. He kept focusing on how bad this was going to be. He kept thinking about his father’s exasperated speech on paying attention in school. Brian remembered the bag full of pills he had stashed in his sock drawer. He tried to come up with a reason not to take all the pills and die. He needed a reason that was stronger than his fear of what was to come. He couldn’t find one. He was so tired of having no answers. He didn’t have the strength to fight back. He had no strength to ask his parents for help.
He got out the yellow pages and found the phone number for the counselor he had been going to see weekly. He told her that he had failed his report card and didn’t think he could face his parents with it. He told her that he had a big bag of pills and that he was thinking about taking all of them. Even in his clouded, disheartened mind, her answer shocked him. “Why don’t you go for a walk and wait for your parents to come home. You can talk to them then.” Brian replied “O.K.” He took her advice and went for a walk. He brought along a tall glass of water and his big bag of pills.

Sample #2 from the book "Sober Conversation"

2009-06-20T14:54:00.002-04:00

He sat in the cold rain feeling sorry for himself. There wasn’t much thinking it through. He’d had enough. Without hesitation he took two or three pills and swallowed them. Now the ice had been broken. After a brief pause, he resumed taking two or three at a time. He wasn’t sure how many were in the bag, but he took them all. He was sure that he wanted to take enough to die. This wasn’t a cry for help. He only wanted the pain to end. He took all the pills without any hesitation or doubt.
When he was done, he felt no regret. He felt nothing but relief. He wasn’t sure how long it would take or how it would happen. He didn’t care. He was just relieved that it would soon be over. Brian had supper that night with his father and step mother like it was any other night. There was no drama, no suicide note. He called no attention to himself. He gave them no reason to suspect anything was wrong. He ate, did the dishes, pretended to do his homework and went to bed.

Sample #3 from the book "Sober Conversation"

2009-06-20T14:52:00.001-04:00

Brian was shaking his head slightly. “I know this sounds stupid, but I’ve never really thought about controlling what happens to me. I’ve always just accepted whatever came along, for good or bad.”“That doesn’t sound stupid at all. You’re not alone.” Aaron reassured him. “That’s how a great many people go through life. That’s what separates the people who are achieving their goals from the people that sit around letting life happen to them. If you’re not happy with where you are, then you have to do something about it. That process starts with deciding what you want from life and knowing where you are in relation to that.”“So you’re saying I’ve got to get out of the back seat and into the driver’s seat. I have to be the one steering the bus.” Brian was starting to understand. I’m feeling so uncertain because I have no control of where I’m going. I’ve been waiting to see what happens next instead of deciding what happens next.”“Robin was right. You are a smart kid.” Aaron said with a smile. “You’re going to do just fine.”